I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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