i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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