So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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