Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Randomize
