He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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