I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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