Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Randomize
