Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
