I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
