End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
