she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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