Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Randomize
