Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
