for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Randomize
