there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
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