maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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