and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
