Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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