Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Randomize
