I think i sorta joined a cult last night
People with herpes should wear stickers.
honey bunches of taint.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
