Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
