His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize
