I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
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