I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
