I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
