I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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