I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
