I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Randomize
