I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Randomize
