I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize