So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I'm always down for nudity.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
