some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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