Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
