I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
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