...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
