My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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