I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
