hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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