They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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