I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize