Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I want to fling myself into the sun
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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