Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize