So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Randomize
