I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
You can't special order awesome
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
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