Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Randomize
