i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
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