I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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