You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
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