drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
