1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
you win again, gameday.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Randomize
