i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
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