so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
