Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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