3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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