One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
