the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
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