I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize