Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
